Avoiding the Foundations of Need

“Nothing about us except our neediness is, in this life, permanent.” 

and again we must have a “growing awareness that our whole being by its very nature is one vast need.” 

These naked truths were penned by C.S. Lewis in Four Loves. If you are like me you find them abrasive. They communicate truths that feel out of sync with a worldview of self-realization and maximization.   Need is a strong word for our refined (should I add “sheltered”) senses. 

Need gnaws at me.  
If i need something I lack something 
If I lack something I have to look outside myself to meet the need.  
If I have to look outside myself I’m over extended on the limb of vulnerability. 

This is true in leadership, in love, in family, in work, and identity.  

Need is messy.  It's hard to admit.  It's hard to name the emotions that regularly come with need. Much of life is built to avoid the discomforts of need. Yes the obvious ones (hunger, shelter, clothing) but also the dark ones (need to be liked, need for approval, need to avoid conflict, etc).

A thought struck me as I soaked in Lewis’s early chapters of Four Loves.  In my/our drive to avoid the rawness of need do we simultaneously miss out on being present?  Need is real and present therefore building control, plans, and systems to avoid it can transport me away from the present. If I’m not fully experiencing the reality of the present there is distance between God and myself.  God has commentary on the past, prophecy about the future, but His grace and love are experienced in the present tense.

Lewis points to the foundation of need both for pleasure and for love.   He categorizes need-love and gift-love.   Gift love could be the conscious actions of a mother or father sacrificing in life to provide for their children.  Need-love could be the natural emotional and physical need of a child to be cared for by another human being.  There are need-pleasures as well, such as a cup of cool water to the parched or a word of affirmation to the doubting.

Lewis defines our human needs as real.  He would say it's naive and dangerous to pretend they aren’t there.  He acknowledges how the basic meeting of needs is the “lowest” form of love, nevertheless essential context to live into the “highest” forms of love. 

I could get lost describing Lewis’s worldview and wonderful illustrations, but my aim is to wrestle through my discomfort with need in the hopes that you can relate.

As an unemployed wandering follower of Jesus who just finished 17 years of structured vision, mission, and clarity I’m more acquainted with need than I ever wanted to be.   Three months ago my family and I took a small step of faith when I launched a website, raised support, and sought projects to do work that matters. Daily, I wrestle with the need for priorities and a clear to-do list.  I need other people to invite me into opportunities.  I need help with broken down vehicles, broken down toilets, and at times my broken confidence.  

I need friends and family in my life not only for the positives (affirmation, kindness, and laughter) but also for the hard times.  Family can be an arena of pain and challenge.  I’ve grown a lot wrestling through the lows of conflict.  The refining that occurs in these conciliatory moments meets a deep need in my soul.  It doesn’t make conflict fun but the commitment within those relationships and the values of Jesus lived out are priceless in my journey.

As missionaries to The Church, in this season of life, we need people to be generous with their finances so we can cover our basic needs.  This is an uncomfortable need.  It's a need that demands trust in God for favor and motivation amongst our loved ones.  Without that need we would miss the opportunity to trust more deeply. 

As I look back on “less” needy times, my first realization is how sheltered I was from need when I had a clear job description, a paycheck, and a vision to pursue.  It's laughable when I think back over the 17 years of CEO leadership and remember moments of panic/stress—-”what was I thinking?”  From today’s vantage point those years and trials feel pedestrian.   It wasn’t wrong, just different. 

Of course there were needs all the time in nonprofit leadership: Need for volunteers, need for equipment, need for donations, need for staff alignment, need for fresh vision.  Those were real needs but different from the needs I’m facing right now.  

The difference is similar to these different contexts for a professional football player.   Weekly there is the need for practice, knowing the playbook, and the need to execute the plan.  Suddenly the needs transform when that player tears an ACL.  The needs become raw, immediate, scary, and carry with them emotions that most of life is structured to avoid.

As I wrestle with uncomfortable needs and the thoughts of C.S. Lewis I have two closing observations:

First, to know need and embrace need allows me to be present in life and consequently more engaged in appreciation. Lewis makes this point: having basic human needs met is essential and limited in its ongoing impact but it helps increase what he calls our “appreciation pleasure”.   For example, I’ve been praying the Lord's Prayer for 20 years, which contains the line “give us this day our daily bread.”  Yet this is the first time I’ve felt a deep appreciation for the food in front of me each day.

Second, when experiencing discomfort around needs a natural desire arises: “I wish I could go back to how things were.”  This can be true professionally as well as relationally.  We are programmed biologically and (maybe more so) culturally to avoid discomfort.  I’m thankful that God has grown my heart and mind to a place where I have zero desire to “go back.”  I certainly struggle with wanting a shorter path through the discomfort but I don’t look back longingly for the old days.  It's a matter of reality for me. I could spend time wishing things were the way they were when need was less evident and unfelt.  Instead, I’m trying to live into this new reality knowing and naming the needs.  This is where God meets me in the present moments. I would rather be uncomfortable and needy in the imminent presence of God’s love than sheltered, naive, and misled by the temptation to go back. 

Gods love does more than meet our needs but it certainly does no less.  If we are avoidant of our real needs we will miss avenues of love and pathways of appreciation.